I find that the world is a strange place. Not necessarily that it doesn’t make sense, but just that I seem to skirt along the edges of fitting in it a lot. I’m more often than not a socially awkward penguin; not just because I get awkward very easily, but also because I waddle.
Seriously, I do that.
A lot of conventions that seem very normal at first glance seem to break down to a nonsensical splurge when looked at very closely. I often wonder how the first cakes, for example, were made; I try to picture a caveman stealing a chicken egg from a nest, cracking it open, throwing it into some ground up plants and then setting it on fire. Who in their right mind would do that? Perhaps the originally pioneers of gastronomy were all on drugs? Perhaps it built up slowly, like evolution. I’d bet good money on the latter but the former puts a funnier picture in my head.
Alcohol as well, is a strange one. The idea of drinking a watered-down extract of rotten plants might seem odd at first, but after we humans realise it’s poisoning us we’ll mass-produce it, brand it, make it into different flavors and even stick in in chocolate, because why the fuck not?
Actually, I can think of a lot of reasons why you wouldn’t want alcohol in chocolate; the first and foremost being that it tastes horrible, which, when chocolate is eaten purely for its value in taste…
Just don’t put alcohol in chocolate. It belongs in other things, like jelly and my mouth.
Good afternoon republic of internet!
How are you doing this fine day and can I get you a stiff drink?
Come to think of it, why do we call certain spirits stiff drinks?
They’re not exactly rigid, in fact, as most liquids are they’re pretty loose.
If anything, all drinks are surely flaccid drinks?
Surely to have a stiff drink you would have to say… suck the juice out of a cucumber, or a number of other scenarios that come to mind when you think of those words, but certainly not what you’re thinking. Filthy, filthy minds you have.
I suppose some people find it a more pleasing thing to say than to actually name their beverage but I find that they’re just lazy.
How am I supposed to know what you’re drinking if you don’t know it yourself?
Now shut up and get me a flaccid drink.
I’d love to do a really comprehensive and in depth post right now but it’s one of those days where I feel much more like just posting a stupid picture and copping out.
How far would I have to go with that to truly jump the shark? What breaks the rules of this blog and yet doesn’t appear like I’m just being sarcastic or making an example of someone, something or myself.
Because let’s be honest, there’s a lot of self-deprecation here, I believe however that it helps, I’m much happier knowing that I’m both a huge dork and extremely fallible.
Let me write a little verse instead, that’s always easier.
Here we go then, here’s a haiku about alcohol.
Seems good at the time,
amazing after a few,
why does my head hurt?
I can practically smell the applause, truly I am a poetic genius and incredibly in touch with the Japanese culture.
Okay here’s another one.
Going straight to bed,
make sure you can stand upright,
or face hangovers.
Something tells me I should just stick to vague metaphorical poems that arise from the top of my obviously non-oriental head.
So what kind of presents do you tend to get for your birthdays?
Well for your nineteenth it seems to be the general consensus that alcohol and some personal items are generally dished out as the pleasure of being old enough to go the pub hasn’t quite worn away yet, you’re still in that beer swaddled state that began when you turned eighteen and bought your first crate of beer only to lose your passport at asda within two minutes of your coming of age.
Well a friend of mine recently turned 19 side and he managed to get himself a lovely gift of a pair of dowsing rods, which he quite rightly pointed out is a very odd thing to get for a nineteen year old student.
How many students would truly dedicate their time in between uni classes, watching south park and drinking heavily to establish that yes, there is water fucking everywhere, idiomotor effect aside however, this is still a strange thing to buy for a student, I mean really, hey I hope you’re enjoying struggling to pay for food and beer, here, unleash your inner psychic abilities with these stick things…
Not that it wasn’t a nice gesture, I mean if you believe it that thing I’m sure it’s a huge blessing but really, it’s just a little bloody weird.
So next time people, when you think of getting something like this, there’s a good way to solve this. Think about what the person your offering a gift to will want, and if you don’t have the faintest idea of what that possibly could be then make an educated guess based on your prior knowledge of them and the stage in their life that they have reached up to this point, sound simple enough? Good. That’s what I was aiming for.
I have a brilliant idea that could stop binge drinking.
Make alcohol taste like ass.
That way no-one would want to drink the stuff and there would be less crime etc.
Put a pube in each bottle of beer.
Because nothing disgusts people more than a loose pube.
That is all.