After much hard thinking of what today’s blog should entail I came to the conclusion that a weekly rundown of the UK top 10 singles and why each of them are so incredibly bad (and occasionally good) would be something that would not only keep me entertained and allow myself to express my incredibly biased opinion of popular music (allow me to explain later) but to catch myself up chartwise. Honestly I haven’t listened to the UK top 40 for over 5 years when I was on the cusp of getting into rock in a big way. Back then the only things I can vaguely remember being in the chart were O-zone (numa numa anyone?), the Rasmus and Fatman Scoop. Not a brilliant start I suppose but back when I liked R.Kelly’s music and the Black Eyed Peas had just released their breakthrough third album everything was looking up for me music wise; as most people at the age of 13 I was a big Green Day fan. Along with Linkin Park and Red Hot Chili Peppers; they really got me hooked on rock music and got me to explore the genre thoroughly as well as give me the urge to form a band (an urge which is rather nicely fulfilled now). This was of course before emo came along and made black a colour synonymous with faggotry; and back when indie was The Killers, Franz Ferdinand, Razorlight and other bands who actually make decent music before Arctic Monkeys (a brilliant band in their own right) inspired a generation of untalented clones to wear their grandfathers’ cardigans and do a rather accurate impression of an east end chicken being strangled by guitar strings. But as I was about to add it took me a while to get into metal after that but eventually I fell under the spell of Trivium, Metallica, Slipknot and other greats; years later, I have a balanced diet of NWA, The Prodigy, Lady Gaga etc. and pretty much a bit of everything; which is probably why it surprises me so much that most music in the chart is so terrible. Surely with a country full of unique individuals some must have been born with some taste; instead the music channels have been constantly churning the same old manure out for years and I’ve never really understood why. People like familiarity but people don’t like having their arses sandpapered; and to be honest every time I hear ‘What You Say’ I feel like someone’s sanding away at my behind; probably because Imogen Heap’s ‘Hide and Seek’ is such an amazing and original song that it needs to be left alone on its throne of songs I don’t hate; but get a rapper in and he can single-handedly ruin one of my favourite songs of all time in four minutes and two seconds. After that kind of butthurt it’s hard to sit down. What makes it even worse that it does that classic R’n'B way of trying to make things exciting by hitting the ride cymbal as fast as they can. This doesn’t make things interesting in the slightest, it just reminds me that you should never let someone with a stupid idea loose on logic pro 8 because they’ll head straight to the cymbals section and the drum map with look very very linear. This features on songs such as ‘Videophone’ just to make them even more laughable (a disappointment because Lady Gaga’s in it and just makes herself look ridiculous) and unfortunately a couple of songs that are actually half decent but would probably be a lot better without the cliché.
Despite all this I cannot deny myself a slight excitement to be able to have a look at what people are spending their money in and therefore judge my faith in humanity on the results; because if I carry on ranting I’ll never get to the actual task; which contains another disappointment in the fact that Cheryl Cole is at number eleven and therefore I can’t go on about how little she deserves a solo career and ponder on why she chose to wear her pyjamas in the video. So here goes the first Thursday chart verdict.
10. Chipmunk – Look For Me
I have to say I couldn’t listen to this song all the way through and I honestly tried but I couldn’t stop myself from cringing. It makes me very confused as to how Chipmunk ever got signed never mind how he’s still at number ten after nine weeks in the chart. The chorus is about five seconds long and is very tedious; however it makes me want to vomit slightly less than his ‘rapping’. Chipmunk is obviously what the record companies are trying to sell as Dizzee Rascal mixed with Chris Brown but what they get in the end is someone who sounds like he’s got a blocked nose and a terrible cold and thinks that rapping terrible lyrics will cure him of his illness whilst at the same time get on the radio when all he really needs is to take some sinutab and get the hell out.
I will now demonstrate the British rapper scale which isn’t very big and is an accurate representation of quality in the rap industry for people with the wrong accent for rapping; the only worse accent I’ve heard for it was by chance walking past someone’s house in France and hearing a French woman rap for the first time, needless to say it made me violently ill and I couldn’t eat a baguette for weeks but enough stereotyping.
I did try to make a scale here but word press would simply not comply, you can basically gather from what i say next what was put across.
That’s right, according to the British rapper scale (which never lies) Chipmunk is worse than N-Dubz; not that all but one are in the risk of suicide section, because they’re all bloody awful.
9. Robbie Williams – You Know Me
Much like all of Robbie’s post-rudebox revival; surprisingly catchy but lacks the quality of his old songs such as ‘angels’, ‘free’, ‘milennium’, ‘let me entertain you’ etc. Lyrics aren’t quite as terrible as ‘Bodies’ but the furry get up in the video did really make me worry for Robbie a little especially since everybody’s counting down the days when he comes crawling back to Take That and gets down on his knees for Gary Barlow but until then we can enjoy the agonising wait.
8. Rihanna – Russian Roulette
Not ever having really paid much attention to Rihanna’s music with the exception of ‘Umbrella’ I like to think I listened to this song with an open mind- the first thing that grabs you is that the intro sounds very similar to the intro to Massive Attack’s ‘Teardrop’ but with more incredibly suggestive moans as with most songs these days I suppose. The choice of wearing a snuggie and a bra probably wasn’t a smart decision for the video but then again at least it’s better than ‘Pon de Replay’ . The song isn’t bad but the verses are a little too filled with drone; the song never really reaches a climax but it does a much better job at having a go at one with the chorus than most songs do these days so kudos to whoever wrote this one and didn’t get any credit.
7. Journey – Don’t Stop Believin’
Always glad to see a classic; still very surprised to see it in the chart but the song is brilliant and that’s good enough reason for it selling more than most of tripe floating around these days, however, it’s probably only been noticed because the X factor were going to cover it before they changed their minds and thank God for that really because having hallelujah (one of the greatest songs of all time) absolutely slaughtered by Alexandra Burke last year was torture enough. It’s decisions like this that give me hope that on the next Britain’s got talent there’ll be a very talented suicide bomber who just so happens to catch Simon Cowell in the blast radius but one can only dream I suppose.
6. 3OH!3 – Starstrukk (feat. Katy Perry)
There’ll never be enough words to describe how much I despise 3OH!3 and all the scene kids who listen to them on full blast while getting bladdered of one bottle of WKD and getting off with everyone in the room despite them all being butt ugly but at the moment I really need to summarise this in a manner that will leave enough legroom for the top five so let me sum this up. 3OH!3 are what happens when the kid that nobody liked at school and the kid that was always masturbating in class while conveniently sitting at the back of the room form a band and have never listened to good music in their life. Along with Hollywood Undead, You Me At Six, Brokencyde, All Time Low, and a thousand others just like them they are the lowest life forms in music. Just like the dung beetle plays with faeces all day for a living these bands play with music like it’s playdoh and turn it into the faeces so they too can roll around with it, get very smelly, mate and then refuse to shower because they need more time to straighten their hair (conveniently in a massive fringe so they can’t see everyone booing at them when they come on stage. Having said that one of the most annoying things about this sort of music is that it refuses to go away. Many people like it and nobody understands why but in the end it turns out it all happened because someone did the dirty with a monkey and in that way they’re a lot like AIDs.
5. Cheryl Cole – 5 Words (feat. Will.I.am)
As someone who likes to think that the Black Eyed Peas are an awesome band when they’re not doing ‘I’ve Gotta Feeling’ I’m quite disappointed that Will.I.am continues to insist on working with Cheryl Cole even though the only reason she has a solo career is because she’s been a judge on the X factor for a couple of years and suddenly she’s changed from ‘that one from girls aloud’ to ‘that one from the X factor’ or for some obsessed families ‘our Cheryl’ which makes me want to vomit onto my keyboard truth be told. Not a very exciting song; at least ‘Fight for This Love’ was catchy even though it was incredibly obnoxious and sounded like Gary Glitter raping a music box.
4. Ke$ha – Tik Tok
This is rather a joy for me as I can honestly say this is one of if not the absolutely worst songs I have ever heard in my life. From the get go you can tell it’s not going to go well; I don’t care that she’s being arrogant, or to a degree that she’s encouraging the rapper’s view of women (she’s going to give a lot of feminists a hard time hopefully, if I get told off for saying that Mr.Men isn’t sexist then she deserves at least an ounce of the stuff) it’s simply a God awful song. If anyone has heard of the Millionaires (not spelt exactly like that they put a few symbols in and other faggotry) this reminded me of them. The difference is because the Millionaires are so awful you see them as a joke which makes their music laughable; this song just hurts to listen to, I cringed all the way through and would be happy to aim the cross-hair of a sniper rifle at the forehead of whoever’s idea it was to sign this whore because they clearly don’t deserve to be working in the music industry.
3. The Black Eyed Peas – Meet Me Halfway
Although not the best BEP song ever it’s nice and relaxing, and for once Fergie isn’t ruining the song. I refer to her atrocious contribution to the otherwise excellent ‘Boom Boom Pow’. Two thousand and late should never be allowed to be a publically released phrase and I suggest that the song be edited so that Fergie says nothing. This would vastly improve the song and would mean I can listen to it without wearing ear-plugs which would be a massive relief. Taboo really needs bigger parts; recently his parts have been diminished to short sections in the bridge, although it becomes clear from watching their live performances that he’s probably the biggest stage presence and the best live out of the whole group; although I was happy to see Apl getting the first verse for once.
2. Joe McElderry – the Climb
I would not have to mention Miley Cyrus to make this fixture annoying but just to add to the never ending sea of hate; Miley Cyrus is absolutely dreadful; if she made lulzy songs like her father then I’d understand; ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ is a hilarious song although I’m sure it wasn’t intended as such. How someone from quite frankly one of the worst children’s shows ever (and actually rather racist when attention is payed to the power in relation to skin colour) could ever get to be an established musician. What’s even more annoying about this is that someone would want to cover Miley Cyrus; she has enough undeserved credit as it is without her song getting covered and sold to the brainwashed thousands who watched the atrocity that is the X factor and end the series much as the students’ reactions were in the much missed show ‘The Demon Headmaster’. As the thousands of zombies buy this terrible single; a man who has had his career created exclusively for Simon Cowell’s erection will inevitably know that he will fail like the rest of the male X factor winners; because the major fan base moves on when the next series starts; and this is a saddening fact about a man with a horrible song who quite rightly got beaten to number one in tremendous fashion. It is a testament to the glory of the internet that ‘Killing in the Name’ but Simon Cowell’s erection back into his pants for another year.
1. Lady Gaga – Bad Romance
I am extremely glad to see an actual good song make number one without the help of a facebook group. Bad Romance is crazed and yet beautiful; quirky and openly flirtatious as all Lady Gaga Songs tend to be but with an operatic sense of warmth and glory that can be said of few songs these days; that said it is very much on the verge of being overplayed. That’s the most saddening thing about this song; how easily it could be ruined as more and more people like one good singer. I recommend that everyone who thinks that Chipmunk, 3OH!3 and Ke$ha make good music should buy Nirvana’s Nevermind and hear why everything they’ve been devoting their ipods too is a steaming pile of overproduced unmentionables and realise that there is good music in this world and if they stopped ignoring it maybe they’d realise that McDonald’s actually tastes like crap and the word random was never cool. But one can only dream I suppose.