5 Signs You Might Be In A Cult

There seems to be a lot of confusion about what makes a group a cult. Some of the most dangerous sects out there claim to be as far away from a cult as possible (*cough*theta healing*cough*) but clearly fit into that category, other people claim that the major religions of the world are cults. Let me clear things up for everyone; here are five surefire ways to find out if you’re in a cult; you probably won’t have all of these, but an extreme form of even one should be enough to make you want to get out of there.

1. Are you encouraged to isolate yourself from family members and friends that are not part of your group, having been encouraged that the group is your true family? This can follow attempts to convert those close to you, and can be followed by the threat of being kicked out of the group if you don’t set yourself free from those you love. This can also take the form of institutional hate of a group or groups, such as a race, a subset of society or an industry.

2. Is your wallet empty? Pouring your money into promises that have yet to be fulfilled should not precede pouring more of it away because it still hasn’t. If you’re paying to get something that promises results beyond what you yourself are capable of, and requires multiple, large payments, run away. If you’re paying to learn the central dogma of your group, then you’re in a cult; religious groups are at least upfront with their beliefs. If you’re a member of a church but are not permitted to know what you’re supposed to be believing in until you’ve donated by the thousands, you’ve made a mistake; they’ve been hiding their beliefs from you, that should be a pretty big sign.

3. Are you/is your partner encouraged to have sex with the cult leader? No, I’m being serious. This is much more common in smaller cults where people can more easily get away with this, but in certain messiah cults the messiah can call upon followers from whom God has demanded they have sex with. Do I even have to point out that this should be an alarm call? Amazingly enough, some stay in cults where this has happened multiple times to their wives. If this happens to you, get the hell out of there.

4. Have you been told that your group can solve all your problems? Nobody can solve all your problems, even Jay-Z had 99 problems when his life was at his peak. Be wary of anyone who offers a cure-all solution to anything. Look around you and see if anyone in the group still has those problems, it’s more than likely that they do, not matter how much they believe they are freed of them.

5. Do your group know something that nobody else does or could possibly know? No, you don’t, that’s just really unlikely. There are seven billion people in the world, someone’s going to have figured it out. If this is a doomsday thing then think seriously about the possibilities, consult experts in the fields your apocalypse is supposedly of, and you’ll probably find that it’s not coming. If this is some sort of power or gift, then, even if you dismiss the science that prevents something like curing disease with a thought, then look to the other members of the group. They will still suffer from physical ailments, and no one’s knocking on your door to get help with the millions of victims of disease in your country alone. If this gift is explained by quantum physics, its 100% wrong, quantum physics is not what you think it is.

5 Second Survey!

Well WordPress you have yet to cease surprising me, just as I have yet to be able to spell cease properly since writing Caesar fifty or so times in the last couple of chapters of one of my work-in-progress books.

I would have you know that despite your 5 second survey, featuring the one question of ‘would you recommend WordPress to a friend?’ took me just over five seconds.

Mostly because I was expecting more questions, perhaps five that disappeared and gave you the finger if you didn’t answer them within one second of their apparition on your screen.

To be fair to you I suppose some people have an internet connection that limits them to only being able to answer one question in five, or maybe ten seconds, but you should really step it up for these sorts of things.

Obviously I chose strongly recommend, but that’s partially due to the fact that I was pressured for time, given that I, you know, only had five seconds and all.

Frankly, if I’d have had time to consider the layout changes in the last couple of months, the fact that my dashboard takes one second more to find now than when I started this blog and the fact that your spellcheck system does not recognise the words, ‘blog’, ‘WordPress’ and ‘spellcheck’ then I would have rated your otherwise very efficient website an eight at most.

Nevertheless I must keep in mind that your website reminded me that I was ‘lucky enough’ to participate in the survey, and however sarcastically you intended this message I took it as a badge of honour, despite the inaccuracy of the survey title, the main plus side of the survey being that it allowed me to write this post, a point which I’m sure you will get many complaints about due to its inherent silliness and stretching for content ideas.

finally, I’ll word your press.

Top 5 celebrity beards!!!

Hello and welcome to the top 5 celebrity beards countdown, where I work through the most iconic beards that you just want to run your fingers over in a perverted curiosity stupor. In our lives we see beards of all different shapes and sizes, some big, some small, some single you out as a paedophile, some make sure you never get laid again; but these beards are the epitome of the piece of scraggly fluff that hangs below the chin of men (and some women), so without further ado, let’s get on with it.

5. Now this one almost went to the great James Randi; however, due to his beard’s similar appearance to another man on our countdown I decided to put this to a fictional character vote; tussling between Resident Evil 4′s big cheese and Ganondorf’s ginger locks, I put them both aside and thought to screw it all and stick the stereotypical ‘our character’s an alcoholic now’ beard on the list, so congratulations to Matthew Fox as Jack Shepherd for managing to worm your way into my countdown, I’m sure many celebrities are very jealous right now.

4. Who said the face of terror couldn’t be stylish? The Gok Wan of extremist Islam, Osama Bin Laden is up next with his very fetching black drapes, notice how they flatter his evil moustache and patronising expression. If you can’t give the taliban credit for anything else, you can at least vouch for the fact that they have awesome beards.

3. The next award is for best plaited beard, and it could only go to Shavo Odajian from System Of A Down; AKA, the one with the silliest name. His use of beard styling is rivalled only by the man who won the best beard contest internationally, however, not being a celebrity, he did not make it onto this list, sorry about that awesome beard man.

2. And in second place comes a historical figure we all know and love, unless you don’t believe in the theory of evolution of course; it’s Charles Darwin; highly regarded scientist and holder of the second most impressive beard of all time; scientists have recently been researching into the origins of such an awesome beard and found that it may have evolved from the facial hair of such magnificence as Blackbeard the pirate’s beard, and the great Pharaohs of ancient Egypt, of which we all know, all had gold and bejewelled beards.

1. There can only be one winner ladies and gentlemen and who better to win the best celebrity beard award than possibly one of the best musicians of all time; sir Paul McCartney of Beatles fame. The beard the most prestigious non-Lennon Beatle grew during their later years and into his career with wings etc. stood out from the crowd with its hideous glory, with people both worshipping it, and hiding under the sofa when they thought about such an atrocity. However, Paul could not just let it be, and ended up shaving it off, probably so that he could get some action from that one legged creature he took into his home from the wild where it would surely have been eaten by a hungry mountain lion. Nevertheless, congratulations Paul and your brilliantly awful facial hair!