So in follow up to last week’s angry rant at the creationist website I found that sees anything not involving the Christian God to be evil and pagan I thought I’d write a couple more things down here.
For the fundamentalists who set up the site if it’s real (I’m still not certain, I still can’t see how anyone could take it seriously but I’m willing to write a little just in case), pagans and atheists are far from the same thing, the latter presupposes non-belief, whereas the former is a belief system, I’m not going to go into the fine details but let’s just say I would still consider myself a Catholic if that were the case and there was no option to not have a belief, but this is not the point.
I love Catholics, I love pagans, I love anyone who’s nice on occasion and isn’t outwardly a dick.
But the idea that people on God Tube are putting across is that secular songs (songs without any religious affiliation) should be turned into religious songs when possible, a niche that surely hymns already fill.
Although I appreciate a good parody as much as the next guy I fail to see why the parody has to be overtly religious, surely anything that fits into the rhythm of the song and is humorous should be good enough.
But I suppose there’s a certain sect of people that would love for the charts to be the top 40 hymns, in which case I’d probably start with ‘shine Jesus shine’ and work my way down to ‘let us break bread together on our knees’, not because it’s not as good a hymn, but just because the title isn’t very catchy.
No doubt if it were written today it would be called ‘dirty bit’ and the black eyed peas would be ruining it for everyone who loved their music with a sense of depth to it.
(At this point I intended to embed a terrible video but because God Tube doesn’t seem to want to let me, I’ll link you to a page full of them, just scroll down to witness the cheese)
Looking at the UK top 10 however, I don’t seem to get where they’re coming from, there isn’t a lot you can do with it.
For the sake of the religion I am bound to by sacrament however, I will attempt to magically transform these ‘secular hits’ into hymns of the most tenuous caliber.
I’m not kidding about this, these are just about the most awkward songs to parody I could have come up with.
1. Nun Direction – God Makes You Beautiful (Because What Makes Eucharist Cool was too sickening)
2. Maroon 12 – Moves Like Elijah (Getting painful yet?)
3. Archangel Lott – All About Israelites
4. Olly Myrrh – Worship A Beat (It’s not worshiping false Gods because God is a DJ)
5. The Sundays – All Fired Up (The heathen song)
6. Exodus – Stay Awake (or the pharoh’ll getcha) (clutching at straws now, this is what happens when I set myself an impossible task)
7. Calvin Harris – Feel So Close (To God)
8. Christ(ina) Perry – Offering Our Hearts
9. Will B. Done – Genesis [Will Young's Jealousy was removed for homosexual tendencies and one of the seven deadly sins]
10. Leona Jewish – Collide (With The Holy Spirit)
That… was a lot harder than it looked…
Let’s see if I can find someone who can demonstrate a counterpoint to this terrible idea, because you can have songs with the opposite message that are orders of magnitude funnier.