Good News/Bad News: Both Sexes to Live Long and Prosper… also One Direction suck

Welcome to this week’s… sorry, I mean last week’s good news/bad news, where I find news stories that both make me grin like a blissful idiot and make me want to shove my face into a wood chipper until my scowl emerges from the other end, bloody, covered in wood chippings and flung into a million little, fleshy pieces.

First, we’ve got some good news, news which may mean that equality is coming in a completely different way than we usually think of it when we talk like that. Unfortunately this doesn’t mean that women are going to be paid the same as men, it doesn’t mean that gays can now marry anywhere and everywhere and it doesn’t mean that there aren’t still policemen out to capture young, black people.

No, as much as all of those things would be nice we’ve got a different flavour of good news and that is that by 2030, thanks to advantages in medicine and healthcare, men may statistically come to live as long as women.

Yeah, that’s right ladies, now we are one step closer to gaining immortality!

Take a long look people of the republic of internet, because this could be awesome.

One of the proposed reasons for where the graph of life expectancy is heading is a drop in the number of male smokers, something which for some of us may be apparent from the people we know, young and old, and for some a source of confusion, as smoking is still the official activity of the young and tenacious.

The bad news here is incredibly different, and while I apologise wholeheartedly for the disparity, the utter unrelatedness, the nonconnecteditude of these two items…

I really hate One Direction, and apparently I should be a little cynical about some of their fans too.

Take a look here and see what I mean.

So as much as I despise gossip stories, I’m reporting this for the sheer extremity of 1D fans’ reactions to some lady on twitter, who just happened to be lip buddies with the ugliest member of the band.

I suppose if nothing else comes of this, at least after the things she’s been called she might no longer know what makes her beautiful anymore, and as we all know, that is the key to attractiveness in the eyes of the musical monstrosity that is One Direction.

Anyway, for some reason, even though the guy’s still under concerns about possibly having a sexually transmitted disease, fans called the woman a ‘fucking bitch’ and a ‘prostitute’.

Perhaps they should calm down and realise that if they threw a brick at their boyfriends’ faces; they’d probably look like Harry from One Direction as well.

Inter-Dimensional Fuzz

So in a ridiculous response to my last post, I want to talk to you about one dimension.

Nothing but a line.

Not too exciting now is it? You see why I didn’t go into that? That would just have been silly.

No time for one thing, but also the line cannot by definition have any width.

That doesn’t make any sense to my and I suppose it shouldn’t, I live in a world of several more dimensions than such a concept.

But imagine if we were but lines, add the time back for a second, wouldn’t it be fun for a few days to be stick figures?

I suppose you wouldn’t be able to walk past people to get somewhere, I’d have to walk over them, which would be awkward and it would also probably increase your chances of getting mugged tenfold.

I’m starting to go off this dimension.

Would an asteroid be unable to miss its target? Scary thought, but since an impact is inevitable any way this is a redundant point and I apologise for bringing it up.

How about two dimensions, it’s how most animals see the world, in fact the only reason why we can view the world in the third dimension is because of a very handy trick called stereoscopic vision.

Which is the same reason why they filmed avatar with two cameras rather than one at a time, but this has nothing to do with my point, again I apologise.

This second dimension would allow for stick figures like what we actually recognise so I suppose everything I said before should really go under this section rather than the previous one and so again, I lose my point, and then remember that this blog barely had a point in the first place.

Now three dimensions is very comfortable as long as you have time, otherwise everything pretty much stays still above the quantum level (assumption alert!) I like having three spacial dimensions, it makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

And thus we return to fuzzy, as I inevitably always do when trying to talk about something actually vaguely interesting. Where are those kittens?

Why Usher shouldn’t invite 12 year olds to his parties

For anyone who doesn’t immediately understand that title and anyone who does and needs refreshing I refer you to this video.

The first ten seconds alone remind you immediately of an obnoxious prepubescent child who thinks he’s on top of the world because he’s discovered his first pube. How this could possibly make it into a professional music video is beyond me but here it is. Justin Beiber’s one time is a strange concept in itself; the very fact that this child’s voice will break in about a year and render his career over before it’s even started makes this even more ridiculous. In fact let me run down a list of the things that are wrong with this video.

1. Usher comes across as an almighty paedophile; ringing up the small child whilst playing a video game he obviously thinks he’s pro at with his massively gormless also small child friend and inviting him to ‘hold down his house until he gets back’.

2. The child is obviously an emo; the fringe is there, the false vision of everyone in the world thinking he’s awesome, the skateboard he obviously can’t actually use and the hoodie that shows off his fringe as if it were his actual forehead. The very fact that Usher knows this child is wrong; never mind that he’s using words like ‘homie’, ‘yo’ and other such words reserved for Dr.Dre, Snoop Dogg and people who actually make good urban music. Not to mention that he’s making an R’n'B song. That’s just bloody weird. Further proof that he is an emo comes when he describes his dream girl as being ‘so deep’ which is the emo equivalent of ‘hello darlin’.

3. The minute the child gets the paedo call from paedo Usher him and his mate get out their iphones (by the way, what twelve year old has a bloody iphone?) and proceed to invite hundreds of twenty year olds (who obviously should be very confused as to how some obnoxious child has got their number, they probably won’t like him either because he’s an emo child and everyone hates them, especially rich ones) to their party in the paedo house.

4. Throughout the video the child tries and succeeds to pull what must be at least an 18 year old and succeeds; there’s something very wrong with that picture. Never mind the police stopping the party, they should be taking her and Usher away and banning them from going near local schools.

5. At the end Usher returns and is completely k with the whole thing. What the hell? There was enough room left in the video to show him slap the kid and get everyone arrested for trespassing but no, he encourages him to carry on with the delusion of gradeur; probably because he is a paedo in his own right and afterwards if the kid’s drunk enough he’s looking to score.

6. Adding to a previous point; no white non-rapper is allowed to say homie and be taken seriously; it’s almost as prominent to the black community as the n word. I’m still searching for the scene where a gang from Compton come down the road and pull their shotguns on him but I guess that’d have to be aired after nine o’clock along with his funeral. Which of course only Usher would be attending.

Maybe next time I’ll be talking about how good a song is?

xxxx