Sunday Hangover: A Phallic Solution To A Phallus Problem

Welcome to the Sunday segment where I spout utter crap from my fingers in a vain attempt to try to bring levity, brevity and humour to this blog as well as trying to fulfill the ‘idiocy’ section of the blog’s tagline.

Today I would like to ponder over a topic mentioned on Russell Howard’s Good News but I can’t for the life of me find any sources for this.

It stands to reason I suppose, that something as absurd as trying to cure erectile dysfunction by hanging a weight off of your penis with a sash and then swinging it back and forth would disappear from the internet, or never be mentioned on it at all.

Although I suspect it’ll make it onto a fetish site somewhere in the dark bowels that lie outside of the republic of internet, on the questionable erotica isle.

Really though, how stoned do you have to be to think that would work?

And even after a couple of tainted brownies; what would convince you to sell this to other people?

More importantly… what the hell are people doing actually buying sessions?

I suppose there are weirder things in Chinese medicine, God only knows how many rhinos we would have saved if people lost faith in the ancient art of pretending that the body parts of endangered creatures could get your dick hard.

I would like to propose that we work out a way to sell people the placebos they want without hurting any creature or any penis, whether it be attached to them or not.

Perhaps we could market donating to charity as a medicine? It’s more believable than the real suggestions and it would probably have a much better effect on the person donating, not to mention the society we’re trying to champion.

A Food For Weight Loss!

I got a little spam comment today telling me ‘thanks and awesome foods for calorie loss’ today.

Now, the obvious non-sequitur aside it’s a little odd on the face of it that foods could make you lose calories by eating them. Surely, by that point they would have changed the definition of the word and would be called… not food.

For example, if you tried to eat a rock you would probably get rid of a lot of calories trying to get it in your mouth, the bit you finally managed to take off after having to use a smelting iron to slice it would cause your body a whole lot of calorie cost to fight off the pathogens it might contain, wash away the dirt from it and stick it in your faeces and you probably wouldn’t get any nutrition from it.

That would, I suppose, be a food for calorie loss, but it wouldn’t exactly be called a food…

And I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t lose much weight from it either.

Christmas Abs

So this lovely comment is from Robert Downey Jr. Workout.

No relation I assume Mr. Workout?

‘Are you ready for great abs now?” Now is the perfect time to get the abs and trim waistline you have always dreamed of but haven’t been able to have. Having sexy abs or a trim waist is one of the best ways to not only turn heads while you are at the beach or pool, but also to feel better about yourself.’

So is this really the time of year to be trying to get me to get sexy abs?

How likely am I to be hanging out at the beach or the pool on the 23rd of December?

And I’m sure even down under people eat ridiculous amounts at Christmas, so is it really a good time to be reminding people to feel guilty about their traditionally delectable gluttony?

In any case I’ve never been the kind to turn heads, especially due to my lack of ability to gain anything even close to abs or a trim waist.

While we’re on the subject, how does one begin to trim a waist?

If you’ve got a mop down there I’m pretty sure there’s something wrong with you and if this is referring to fat, how are you supposed to infer getting rid of fat by ‘trimming’?

Surely burning or losing would be more appropriate.

And I would argue that trimming has worse connotations than those admittedly negative sounding words when it comes to the idea of trimming underneath someone’s skin just to get their fat out, I mean how are they going to grow back the skin when you’ve lobbed off huge pieces of fat?

I wouldn’t call that a trim, but I suppose that’s pretty far from what they were actually going for there.

Love & Monkeys! (Well, Technically Apes)

There is no quick and easy way to do anything.

Except die, and even then there are a few complications with those you’ve left behind.

Or I suppose to urinate but that’s not really the kind of goal people set out for themselves, usually its something much further along the scale towards the grandiose and away from the uh… pee wee.

My God, even for me that one was terrible.

But things like losing weight, getting yourself out of that depressing hole you’ve been digging for years, finding love, especially the first, they don’t come quickly.

They work on how hard you work to fix them, yes even love.

In fact I’ve seen a fair few people who work finding a mate on a trial and error basis, asking out everyone they can until one person doesn’t turn them down, strange but true, in that way I suppose, humans haven’t gotten that much further into sophistication than our evolutionary cousins the bonobos.

And if anyone doesn’t know what bonobos are, well, you should first of all.

But second they are primates, under the Pan genus that they share snugly with chimpanzees.

And they solve pretty much everything with sex.

I tell you if they knew both the lonely island and akon they’d be singing all day.

Their schedule is a lot like this.

Wake up, someone next to me, shag them.

Larry’s back from gathering berries, shag him.

I quite like the look of that female, shag her.

That girl has a stick that I want, shag her.

She didn’t like that I took the stick, make up sex.

Her boyfriend’s back and is very angry with me, shag him.

You get the idea, it’s a very tiring life in all, aren’t you glad you’re human instead?

I could make a planet of the apes reference here, but it might surprise you to know that I’ve never seen that movie despite it having been on television every day for the nineteen and a half years I have been fortunate enough to be classed as living for.

Well that was one hell of a tangent.

The Small Print

Don’t listen to advertising.

This is a very general rule and I know I already sound cynical, but isn’t that what I’m known for on this corner of the internet? Aren’t I here to play devil’s advocate? Well generally know but false advertising is another one of those things that really shouldn’t be allowed to get a free pass in today’s society.

The small print is always there, but nobody gets the message there do they?

When the small print is a complete oxymoron to the actual message of the commercial is that not still fraudulent? It’s pathetic loophole too small to fit even the tiniest of fonts through?

Big businesses have the ability to do whatever the hell they like and that’s fine but don’t start going around saying that your food can make people lose weight.

It’s a food, you eat it, you get heavier.

The small print of part of a calorie controlled diet is not something people are going to pay attention to.

This world is constantly waiting for miracles, but what people are too blind to see is that miracles don’t bloody happen, especially with something as controllable as body fat percentage.

So head on down to the gym and eat less if you’re fed up with your figure, because eating this magical product alone will not do it for you.

Fitness and health are lifestyle issues, products cannot change that, unless you’re talking about liposuction and even then you won’t be doing a hell of a lot more running.

Don’t listen to advertising, listen to your brains.