Why Twilight should have been kept in the dark

…and by that title I don’t mean so Robert Pattison can stop sparkling in the sunlight.

Legends of vampires are largely centred around the famous novel Dracula by Bram Stoker. The antagonist of which was considered genius by its ability to frighten and convey fear into the hearts of the readers; since the character has spawned a horror phenomenon with thousands of vampires showing up at peoples’ doors every Halloween. This could be considered as a worthy tribute to the writer and his ingenious creation; one can only hope that people still know what a dementor is in over a hundred years time. The legacy was holding its own and personally I had no opinion on vampires for a while; having been terribly scared that they would come and bite my neck in my sleep as I child I always slept with my duvet wrapped tightly around my neck leaving no skin showing; considering this is yet again a testament to Stoker. However; what those who suffered great fear at this incredibly timeless villain could have never guessed is that vampires would soon be flashing their abs on teenage girls walls while they sighed about how much they wish they could date a hot vampire.

I would like to propose a pause for thought here as something is definitely wrong with that image. A horror icon turned sex icon is a complete paradox. The mere thought brings me to imagining next year when Frankenstein is played by Zac Efron and falls in love with Megan Fox so I can vomit all over my popcorn. And I’m not just mentioning Megan Fox because she’s an atrocious actress who co-starring with Optimus bloody Prime should have been insignificant in Transformers; however she would have managed to ruin the whole movie for me single handedly if it hadn’t been for the fact that the story made absolutely no sense in the first place. Now having strayed from my point I shall return – Megan Fox recently starred in a movie where she plays a sexy zombie; and I shall find it hard to express my frustration with this concept without swearing. With the videogame market’s current obsession with zombies having reached a point where it’s hard to find a game which involves a gun and not the undead surely the tired concept of the rotting bodies on the prowl should return to the grave to recover for a little while instead of being integrated into this rather necrophilic shag the dead things craze that is absolutely ridiculous in every way.

I will now refrain from speaking about Megan Fox to avoid negative attention from those poor people who watched transformers with with something in their trousers and accidentally finished when Shia Leboeuf (sp?) was on screen and now can’t watch Even Stevens without crying but I digress.

An edgy romance story can work from time to time; romance can work with fantasy. As anyone who’s seen Lord of the Rings will vouch for, Aragorn and Arwen’s forbidden attraction didn’t hinder the story but push it forward albeit in small doses. The problem is making the romance the centre of the movie and setting the fantasy to the side because then all you end up with is four weddings and a funeral with a dragon and a few orcs. If this set-up must remain as aforementioned at least have a bit of fun with it; ie.The Corpse Bride; because one of the biggest problems with Twilight is that it takes itself way too seriously. When your story’s plot is laughable, you’re crucifying a literary icon, your actors are nothing short of terrible and cannot change their one expression for the entire duration of the film and the main reason people come to see your creation is because you give previously thrilling monsters a six pack and no shirt, the least you can do is accept that the idea’s rubbish and throw in a few one-liners, maybe get Edward Cullen to die from a pizza hut order because garlic bread is fatal to his kind. Personally I’d like to see the reason for vampires in the Twilight universe sparkling in sunlight being because they’re slowly going nuclear; giving a satisfying ending to the saga of Edward and Bella getting nuked because they tried to go to a picnic.

I can now definitely sense my argument becoming tired; either that or it’s the headache this has brought on so I shall bid this entry adieu and return way too soon for anyone to read this.

Edward Strickson


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