Hello and welcome to the top 5 celebrity beards countdown, where I work through the most iconic beards that you just want to run your fingers over in a perverted curiosity stupor. In our lives we see beards of all different shapes and sizes, some big, some small, some single you out as a paedophile, some make sure you never get laid again; but these beards are the epitome of the piece of scraggly fluff that hangs below the chin of men (and some women), so without further ado, let’s get on with it.
5. Now this one almost went to the great James Randi; however, due to his beard’s similar appearance to another man on our countdown I decided to put this to a fictional character vote; tussling between Resident Evil 4’s big cheese and Ganondorf’s ginger locks, I put them both aside and thought to screw it all and stick the stereotypical ‘our character’s an alcoholic now’ beard on the list, so congratulations to Matthew Fox as Jack Shepherd for managing to worm your way into my countdown, I’m sure many celebrities are very jealous right now.
4. Who said the face of terror couldn’t be stylish? The Gok Wan of extremist Islam, Osama Bin Laden is up next with his very fetching black drapes, notice how they flatter his evil moustache and patronising expression. If you can’t give the taliban credit for anything else, you can at least vouch for the fact that they have awesome beards.
3. The next award is for best plaited beard, and it could only go to Shavo Odajian from System Of A Down; AKA, the one with the silliest name. His use of beard styling is rivalled only by the man who won the best beard contest internationally, however, not being a celebrity, he did not make it onto this list, sorry about that awesome beard man.
2. And in second place comes a historical figure we all know and love, unless you don’t believe in the theory of evolution of course; it’s Charles Darwin; highly regarded scientist and holder of the second most impressive beard of all time; scientists have recently been researching into the origins of such an awesome beard and found that it may have evolved from the facial hair of such magnificence as Blackbeard the pirate’s beard, and the great Pharaohs of ancient Egypt, of which we all know, all had gold and bejewelled beards.
1. There can only be one winner ladies and gentlemen and who better to win the best celebrity beard award than possibly one of the best musicians of all time; sir Paul McCartney of Beatles fame. The beard the most prestigious non-Lennon Beatle grew during their later years and into his career with wings etc. stood out from the crowd with its hideous glory, with people both worshipping it, and hiding under the sofa when they thought about such an atrocity. However, Paul could not just let it be, and ended up shaving it off, probably so that he could get some action from that one legged creature he took into his home from the wild where it would surely have been eaten by a hungry mountain lion. Nevertheless, congratulations Paul and your brilliantly awful facial hair!