So for everyone who like me didn’t watch or give a crap about the royal wedding, and were extremely disappointed that Kanye West didn’t speak now and instead decided to forever hold his peace. I have constructed the perfect wedding, one that I would actually watch and give a shit about.

Well, I haven’t constructed it yet, I’m actually going to completely make it up as I go along, but the concept remains the same, besides, being sporadic is interesting is it not? More interesting than a load of unelected posh tossers guffawing at each other on repeat from ten in the morning until ten at night. For those of you who just wanted BBC one to return, you need counselling after that particular tapestry of horrors.

First of all we need a bride and a groom, from then on the whole thing might just fan out into something vaguely comprehensible. Let me try and think of the least likely couple in the world and then come up with something completely generic, obvious and unfunny.

No, not Hitler or Stalin, they’re way too obvious, alright we’ve got to stick to a firm ‘no dictators’ rule right now to blockade Libya’s favourite Charlie Sheen impersonator, because he’s just too much of a good fit to pass up without special circumstances protecting us from the sting of Tripoli’s version of Sylvester Stallone’s mother.

And I don’t mean that Gaddafi is an arse whisperer, I’m sure he has better things to do with his free time, like pretending that people don’t hate him, and bombing his own people.

I think for good measure we should just go with Gandalf and Dumbledore, I mean we all knew where this was heading.

There’s no rule against fictional characters, and the wedding will surely be outside of California, so the gay wedding thing won’t be much of a kerfuffle.

I’m also sure that Dumbledore will enjoy the hard wood of Gandalf’s staff against Hogsmeade, and I’m sure that Gandalf won’t be too put off by Dumbledore’s elder wand.

But we’ve strayed off topic. What happens at this wedding?

Well obviously it would have to take place in the middle of some huge implausibly constructed city in a location not found on earth but also apparently connected to it, like any fantasy location.

We could get the balrog to be the best man and when the time comes for someone to speak up Snape can kill Dumbledore.

Oh the drama!

I think that’s everything.

By the lack of detail you can probably tell I’m unmarried.

Oh christ I missed something didn’t I.

Well obviously as the ring bearer Frodo Baggins is going to have a big role in this wedding, however, the matrimony will never be complete because Gollum needs the precious, so when they ask Frodo if he has the rings we get this nice shot of the hobbit raising his hand to reveal his finger bitten off.

In fact maybe they should just get married in mount doom and get it over with.


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