The Best Kind Of No

I love rejection letters from agents.

And yes I do intend on using the elite beat kind whenever I mention agents, it’s just something I have to do, like the kittens and the ranting about how people don’t think for themselves, it’s a happy cliché.

Back from that premature tangent however…

This might sound like sarcasm but I seriously do, they’re very uplifting, in fact I would go as far to say that they’re the nicest way to say no to someone desperate for your approval.

So next time that someone tries to get something from you, let them know this.

Dear [insert name here]

Your [insert materialistic achievement here] is both thrilling and fast paced but unfortunately I cannot take on your request as I have limited capacity for [you get the gist] and have recently taken on many of these requests and want to be able to treat these requests with the attention they deserve.

This works particularly well on the children that aren’t quite your favourites, put them in their place, if they want love they can have a cat, but they’re cleaning up the shit.

In fact this technique should really be used on cold callers, that’d confuse the bastards.

Seriously though you would not believe how uplifting it is to be rejected, if the rejections are this good, if I ever get an offer I should probably make sure I have a condom on because that’s going to be one hell of a happiness surge.

Happiness surge incidentally is not as appropriate a word as splooge, but for some reason it sounds less crude, and so in this context it will have to do, I’ve already made a reference to ejaculate and I don’t need to rub it in your faces.

Oh God, that came out pretty horrible.

Back to the point however, I applaud anyone who can make something that is by definition negative, an incredibly positive thing to receive.

So thank you automated agency letters for every once in a while you sadly enough make my day, maybe I should get a life?


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