Witness Jehovah’s amazing Shot-put skills!

Yesterday, while I was waiting at the bus stop a man was already waiting there for me, he told me that there was a giant rock about to fall from the sky, that many biblical prophets predicted it and that if I went to his meeting at the ice arena I’d be able to find out all about it, also there was something about all societies, disasters and also all pain and sadness going away by this ‘giant rock’ coming to earth.

Now I’m a little sceptical that the end to all pain and misery could be brought about by a giant rock crashing down onto earth and slaying all world government and their ‘satanic wrath’ but the guy was a Jehovah’s witness so I didn’t bring this up, I merely told him that I didn’t believe him but I’d check out his leaflet anyway, he said something like: ‘well I’ve never heard that one before’.

Well deary me this leaflet is one of the most amazing pieces of literature to have graced by stereoscopic biological visual equipment in many years, as you may have already guessed most of their ‘evidence’ is derived from Bible verses, and we all know why that doesn’t work right kids?

Circular reasoning: The Bible is accurate because? It’s the word of God. How do you know it’s the word of God? Because it says so in the Bible. Why is the Bible proof of this? Because it’s the word of God? etc. and most definitely ad infinitum.

But a couple of things really did get me interested, because from the looks of things Jesus Christ was the most convincing cold reader in the history of the world, according to what I could derive from this leaflet he was like John Edward’s two thousand year old senior.


I am warmly invited to come and listen to the answer apparently.

Well this is the basic pull, apparently God’s going to stone us for global warming and muggings and other such niceties and then all the sin will once again begone, they compare this to the great flood, which reminded me that they take the Bible absolutely literally, which reminded me that I was dealing with some very silly people.

There’s also a lovely picture of a very happy family all clean and smiley with some birds on a valley where there is absolutely no sign of civilisation to contrast with the assaults and birds covered with oil that the upper half of this particular leaflet sports. How very lovely.

I got a lovely drawing of a statue with these that seems to think that the UK and USA are the big toe on a massive statue, I’m not sure what this is meant to symbolise and they offer no explanation, yet again, these guys are beginning to creep me out a little.

So their little talk is on 10th to 12th June in the national ice centre Nottingham, where they will discuss: “God’s kingdom will crush all other kingdoms – when?” Where they fail to notice the main flaw in this discussion, that inevitably Britain, as a Kingdom by name will be crushed under the mighty anvil of the lord, as apparently we are the Wile E Coyote to God’s roadrunner.

It also encourages me to buy a book called ‘what does the Bible really teach’, with begs the question…

Surely to find out what the Bible really teaches, you should just read the fucking Bible?

Would that not make more sense than buying a second book to complicate the not so subtle messages of the first?

I mean there was a whole section about how to live your life, that’s pretty clear fucking teaching there, there were ten commandments worth of it, that’s more than enough to hold people over until the sequel which will inevitably be a virtually unseen straight to DVD Disney movie within minutes of its release.

But this is my favourite bit, the signs that Jesus left so that we would know when the apocalypse was about to strike.

This is where Jesus uses his practised skills as a medium to cold read like there is no tomorrow, and because apparently there were no stage magicians in Nazareth, everyone believed him, this might explain why every fundamentalist and their mother thinks that the end of the world is coming, because Jesus is the king of spouting vague shit that people assume is specific.

“Nation will rise against nation and kingdom against kingdom.”

Wars happen all the time, non-specific, next!

“There will be food shortages”

There have always been starving people, the leaflet refers me to post WWI and WWII eras but not everyone’s been able to have chinese every night, especially not in the third world, silly witnesses, this is another cold read, next!

“There will be great earthquakes”

There are many more earthquakes every year even than the seemingly bottomless amount you hear about on the news, according to these reliable witnesses there have been more than ten times did in earthquakes since 1914 but I don’t believe that, our defences have become much more proficient, and even if more did die, it doesn’t mean that Jesus was right, it just means that he was a little smarter than all of the people who wrote this shit down without figuring out what was really going on, a cold reading, next!

“In one place after another pestilences”

You can clearly see Jesus making an atrocious grammar mistake here, but this is the same old story, there are diseases, in fact these days there is much less pestilence than ever before. Although this leaflet cites heart diseases and cancer, diseases that have only lessened over time as if they are new phenomena, which they are not, people just live longer so they end up with these faults of the human body more frequently than death by infection, next!

“Increasing of lawlessness”

Come on Jesus, now you’re just getting lazy, did you not ask your Aramaic teacher to check your grammar before you finished your work? Anyway this is the most vague of the lot, the only real statement made about it being, ‘in some places some people are scared to leave their houses’ which is a very tenuous thread considering that I could have probably come up with ten real reasons why lawlessness was increasing.

And so if you want to come with me we can go down to the ice arena and troll these witnesses together, or we could just raise our eyebrows as they advise us that God’s throwing rocks at us despite supposedly being metaphysical in nature and therefore unable to throw stones, well thank you for that one Mr. Jehovah’s witness man, that’s a blog and a half for today.

By the way, when I asked the man when this mass genocide would be he just told me that the proof was all there, I suppose not even he knew the exact date.


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