LOST: A Skeptic’s Parody

DISCLAIMER: I love LOST, I loved the finale and was frustrated by people who didn’t and misunderstood it. Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse are probably my biggest writing heroes and have influenced me greatly. Therefore I hope that nobody will take this the wrong way, it is intended in jest. Also, if you know each episode as well as I do, this will probably make a lot more sense.

PILOT PART 1

September 22, 2004

Oceanic 815 takes flight from Sydney, unfortunately for those on board, it is destined never to reach Los Angeles.

On the plane an unusually attractive doctor is unsatisfied with his drink, from his lack of disgust it is clear he is a tank, no doubt downing bottles of vodka at a time at home.

Impressed by his drinking prowess and flashbacks of what was probably an alcoholic father, an air stewardess in need of a good psychiatrist gives him another bottle.

The good doctor, now sufficiently intoxicated sticks his beer goggles and notices a black woman in her fifties sitting on her own a few seats away, he takes his chances, only to discover that she’s married.

‘Damn’ he thinks and performs a nice save by complimenting his intelligence, and trying to convince the woman that the plane’s not going to crash, irony walks up behind him, taps him on the shoulder, and just as he turns around to see what the fuss is about, punches him in the face.

Just as Jack is recovering from that metaphysical blow to his confidence and his jaw, he lives long enough to see the ground flying towards him at lightning fast speed, because he is already established as a man of science at this point, he just swears loudly before he explodes and his remains are incinerated with the rest of the plane.

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Strangely enough, a bald, disabled man a few rows away is already grinning as plane is crashing, a silly idea because it prevented the preservation of his teeth so that the next people to discover the wreckage could work out who he was and tell his admittedly limited family.

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