Personal Gain

So there are a couple of tactics people take these days to try and get far in life, tactics that don’t really seem viable to me. That may deem me doomed to ultimately find no success and that saddens me deeply but I cannot change my personality, that would require a lot more than determination, that would involve emotional conditioning or gene therapy or any number of strange things to happen.

I’d much prefer we all got an equal chance, but that’s not the way the world turns apparently and unfortunately.

Because I cannot shun people for my own personal gain (type one)

or brown nose everyone in sight (type two, mostly unobtainable because I have incredible trouble approaching people and by the time I’ve talked to them I’ve come across as sufficiently dull to warrant ignoring)

Does this mean I can never achieve my goals to the degree I wish to?

I hope not, because I’m pretty determined.

But the fact that I never get gigs, have had no attention from literary agents and screwed up my A levels still gets to me a lot.

What do I have to do to get attention for doing the things I enjoy?

It would seem that in some places the well has run dry and my stomach tightens at the thought of giving up on anything.

But I am incredibly worried that I might have to give up on at least one of my dreams, and I’d hate to think of letting go of any of them, not after I’ve worked so hard to achieve them and got so little reward.

So I guess what I’m saying is that I need a little help, not just from people to get my feet off the ground (but that would be lovely) but to actually get some advice from people who know what I can do to take myself further, because for now it would seem that I’m faced with a huge brick wall with only a chisel to break it down with.


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