An Alternative Halloween!

Surely congratulating kids on dressing up like scary things by giving them candy is a counter-intuitive idea?

Think about it, you want your child to grow up knowing that scaring people is wrong, so why would you possibly want to condition them to dress up as the scariest thing they can think up in their admittedly inexperienced little minds and link it to food rewards?

This prolonged and ridiculous experiment has gone on long enough.

We should have enough of a pool of data right now for children to be going into big stores full of haribo dressed as cthulu and expecting to be able to steal all of the oh so tasty candy without consequence.

And remember current and potential parents, stealing is wrong.

And you’re encouraging it.

So I’d like to take a moment to suggest things that children could do to get candy that does not involve conjuring up a raggedy costume made from a deformed mixture of old clothing and their own cheese-induced nightmares.

And trust me every time I see someone dressed as Michael Jackson I am haunted by this thought.

So, it’s the 31st of October, your child wants to give your elderly neighbours a heart attack by knocking on their door and demanding that they hand over the few remaining nice things they have in their life.

What should they dress up as?

And death is not the answer here, if you have to ban any costume please do not pick the ever-so-tempting reaper. You’re already going to scare them to death, scaring them with death is just one step too far.

Here are a few ideas that might be more suitable.

– a careworker

– your neighbour’s childhood teddy bear

– an extra large pizza

– a collection of well-meaning greetings cards

– a pantomime horse

– a particularly large ear of cauliflower

– a marks & spencer gift certificate

See how much easier your child’s life will be with these alternatives?

Good, now put them into practice you terrible influences.


5 responses to “An Alternative Halloween!

  1. This post could sarcastic but I doubt it. Are you seriously trying to tell me that a tradition decades old is the cause of young children being thieves? that is flawed to say the least. You seem to be addressing the parents as if they should not let there children out and have fun, you forget that their are some innocent things left in the world, and to a point it Halloween STILL IS. You talk about giving old people heart attacks but there is no actual backing up of this statement and you imply that all old people are ignorant of Halloween, you stereotype them.

    I feel that you judge all readers as parents who are to blame for theft and bad parenting in general. You may not know this but I am not a parent, and did not riot, but still enjoyed Halloween. although conditioning is true whether subconsciously or consciously you neglect the fact that Halloween is 1 day of the year, you also neglect the fact that your (non-existent) problem with Halloween would not be a problem at all if all the “elderly neighbors” did not take part and give sweets in the first place.

  2. I hope you aren’t trying to encourage people to gaffer-tape their children to the wall. Such a lackadaisical approach to parenting is a sign of neglect and I find that such practices are becoming more widespread as iPhones and other popular gadgets of sin allow stunts such as this to become Internet memes.

    The child’s hair looks unbrushed. Did you rub a balloon up and down your jumper and then hold it above his head? And that is clearly a boy so why is he dressed in pink?

    The boy is clearly in distress as evidenced by the protective arm he is putting across his favourite toy. That toy looks like a cheap Big Bird from Sesame Street. I bet you went for the cheap toy so that you had more money to spend on booze and drugs.

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