You Call That News? This Is News!

At risk of sounding like an old man…

There’s no point starting like that really is there? I’m going to sound like one regardless. The spirit of a curmudgeon flows through me and doesn’t even know how to spell the word curmudgeon. You know, back in my day I used to be amongst the top spellers in my primary school. Now look at me, grumbling away at a computer that checks it all for me so efficiently that I’ve actually dropped a tier in my consistency.

But seriously how is the X factor news in any way shape or form?

Just leave it alone.

I expect these kind of things from heat magazine but when places like the guardian are covering some untalented douchebag being kicked off the ‘reality’ TV show my forehead starts to twitch in funny ways. Sort of like the diagonal x you see in anime when someone’s really ticked off, except that when I sigh, cloves of garlic don’t come out of my mouth and I’m not particularly well-known for reacting to beautiful women with a nosebleed.

Seriously, Berlusconi announces that he’s going to resign from the Italian leadership and this news is outshone by some hairspray-infused narcissistic prat who only proved in his reign as a contestant on the X factor that my lack of faith in humanity is completely justified, because anyone who thought he was worth voting for obviously had about as much sense as the people who published Twilight.

Listen, Frankie whatever his face was may have touched a couple of women in their special places, but Silvio Berlusconi has practically had sex with the whole of Mediterranean Europe, and all of their wives.

See what I did there?

Anyway, does it not make sense to actually take more notice of one man-whore leaving his position of power, than another man-whore leaving a competition that he was never going to win and leave him crawling back to the job centre?

I rest my case.


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