Alright boys and girls, sit around the fireplace and warm up your hands because winter’s here, and although global warming’s been making it a little more tolerable it’s never a nice day to go outside anymore. So sit tight and wait for an old man to come down your chimney, only to realise later that it’s your dad after a night on the town.
You always wondered why you had to leave ibuprofen for him didn’t you? Well now you know, and now there are no excuses for not recognising his hangover.
But seriously with the steady decline of houses with an open chimney is it not time that the santa claus mythology took a change for the more realistic?
In the least you could say that he has a skeleton key that works on every door, it’d be much easier than saying he comes down a chimney, I mean you come downstairs on Christmas morning and there’s not soot everywhere, there isn’t an ass mark in the coal pile and, if we’re being honest, Santa’s not going to be driving very well after all that alcohol is he?
If we’re going to enforce laws against drink driving then mythological icons should also have to follow these rules, especially if we’re going to be telling children they’re real until that ugly kid that no-one likes ruins it for them.
Was Jesus drunk when he ascended into heaven?
does the tooth fairy pick up your teeth after a long night at the boozer?
Is the easter bunny a raging alcoholic?
So then protect Santa’s reputation and leave him something to sober him up this year.
I recommend toast and orange juice, and mind that there’s no gin in there, that’ll just make him worse, laid back, with his mind on his money and his money on his mind, assuming someone’s paying him for this of course.