Despite feeling a little too under the weather to do anything close to working today I have forced myself to stay out of bed long enough to coerce myself onto the computer and into the harsh world of blogging, a world where I can talk about whatever I want at the cost of blog views when I don’t talk about something that involves penises.
Now, you would think after an introduction like that that I would begin talking about penises, but I have to be honest, I don’t know a hell of a lot about penises despite the fact that I have one myself.
I know that human penises are specifically larger than those of our great ape cousins.
I know that we lack a penis bone, like that of most mammals, and that in some related species, such as the baboon, their penis bones are greatly reduced in size, the majority of their members being made of flesh with the ability to stretch as much as mister fantastic in a particularly unstimulating battle with the mole man.
I also heard once upon a time that the barnacle has the largest penis in proportion to its body size in the animal kingdom, despite its body not having the hands to appreciate that fact, no word yet on plants or fungal penises however, they mostly just make up their own methods of getting their spores to fly across the world.
There are certain structures in bacteria that resemble a phallus but we won’t talk about them today because they do something almost completely different and are very cool, much cooler than all of you males’ proverbial rattlesnakes in the mailbox.